book cover
Although this was published several years ago, this book is new to me. It was put on my radar by Swedish feminist Kajsa Ekis Ekman, a writer, journalist, and activist. I found her via this audio recorded lecture wherein she mentions it. She addresses interpersonally abusive men's tactics and behavior in the initial stages and how those tactics may mirror and mimic the country's oppressive male supremacist government and its leaders. The audio link was sent to me from a friend in Serbia. I believe the close translation of the title of the lecture is: Types of Abuse: How to Recognize Your Relationship is Violent. NOTE: It may be very distressing to anyone who has lived through or witnessed an abusive relationship.
https://www.mixcloud.com/TNT_BeFemTalks/s03e03kajsa-ekis-ekman-deset-vrsta-zlostavlja%C4%8Da-kako-prepoznati-da-je-va%C5%A1a-veza-nasilna/?fbclid=IwAR31xA4HeQV2U4mSrSqbzNJZbVSPEeW6GjW_Xne8DTFSfVTclULwBCsyP6Y
Here is a PDF of the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
A summary:
Has your partner changed dramatically from the man you originally got involved with? Do you struggle with trying to understand what is bothering him and how to keep him from exploding? Do you feel like you’re always messing things up in his eyes, and you can’t figure out how to get it right?
Why Does He Do That? has become the go-to book for women who have partners who are angry, controlling, or unfaithful. It answers the 20 questions that women most ask about their partners’ behavior.
Here are just a few:
* “Why did he used to think I was so great and now he often seems to think I’m terrible?”
* “Why does he make everything he does my fault?”
* “Why does he want to have sex after being terrible to me?”
* “Is he going to escalate to physical violence?”
* “How come everybody else seems to think he’s so perfect?”
* “What can I do to get him to change how he treats me?”
This book will help you to sort out whether your partner’s behavior is just “normal relationship stuff” or whether he is trying to control you. And if he is controlling, Lundy will guide you in how to keep yourself safe and sort out the way forward for your life.
I just found your blog and am greatly enjoying reading. Your writing is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI was googling looking for readings,
trying to figure out what on earth I am encountering, as a female, with GNC colleagues 20 years my junior telling me there’s no such thing as “women’s rights” or oppression of specifically “women”.
I was surprised and happy to see this post about Lundy Bancroft. I rarely post anonymously; only doing so now as I want to endorse the book from my perspective as a person who survived a violent, interpersonally abusive man. Another of Bancroft’s books, written for friends and allies of women in that position, is also excellent.
Thank you!
Welcome Jen. I'm sad to know you've endured such violence from a misogynist male abuser. I'm glad this blog post, in particular if not only, was helpful to you. And I sure hope you have the support you need.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm hearing from you about the oppression of women isn't surprising and points out that people have very different understandings of what gender is. I recommend, regardless of where you live, contacting Vancouver Rape Relief as they have been very consistent and successful--including in the courts--at defending their politic right to focus on women meaning female adults raised in patriarchy. They are as solid on this as any organization I know. They have LOTS of resources too: https://www.rapereliefshelter.bc.ca/
There's plenty written about what's misogynistic and anti-feminist about liberal queer politics, too. Regardless of one's sexual orientation, there is a four-part blog post series that unpacks several dimensions of the problem with some queer perspectives on women and feminism. Here's the website addresses to the first of the four by Claire at the Sister OutRider blog: https://sisteroutrider.wordpress.com/2017/02/07/sex-gender-and-the-new-essentialism/
I hope these resources are helpful to you. <3