[this book cover and content may be found here]
Much of what follows is from NVC.org.
In considering why we do what we do, there is a theory that we are all trying to get very human needs met, humane needs, in fact, but that civilisation is organised in such a way that "our" needs are seen to be perpetually in conflict with the needs of "others". NVC, Non-Violent Communication, offers these lists of human needs and human feelings, so that when, for example, we are in dysfunctional situations, or oppressive ones, we might assess what needs we have that aren't getting met, or that are getting met in dysfunctional ways. Similarly, by taking an inventory of our feelings, we can know better whether our needs are getting met in healthy/non-oppressive ways. If we're feeling irritable, anxious, and depressed, it may be that our needs are not getting met at all, or are getting met in destructive ways.
This could all be very individualistic and liberal. So I prefer to ask another set of questions as these exercises of done (of identifying needs and feelings). These other questions include:
1. Who am I? Where do I begin and end?
2. Who do I assume "we" are? And who are "they"?
3. What does capitalism tell us about what we need, that, in fact, we don't need at all but functions to make profits for the few at the expense of the many?
4. What does patriarchy tell us we need that we don't need, and that is, in fact, destructive?
5. What does a white supremacist and heterosexist system/society offer "us" in the way of healthy/non-oppressive ways to express our feelings and meet our needs.
6. Assuming the Earth and all sentient being, and all creatures are part of "us", how do we assess what we need differently? If something is good for me but horrible for the Earth, what needs is it meeting, long term?
Non-violent Communication Key Concepts:
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to:
- create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving
- create governmental and corporate structures that support compassionate giving and receiving.
This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is NOT about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.
The process of NVC encourages us to focus on what we and others are observing separate from our interpretations and judgments, to connect our thoughts and feelings to underlying human needs/values (e.g. protection, support, love), and to be clear about what we would like towards meeting those needs. These skills give the ability to translate from a language of criticism, blame, and demand into a language of human needs -- a language of life that consciously connects us to the universal qualities “alive in us” that sustain and enrich our well being, and focuses our attention on what actions we could take to manifest these qualities.
Nonviolent Communication skills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to communication such as demands, diagnoses and blaming. In CNVC trainings you will learn to express yourself honestly without attacking. This will help minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem. These skills are useful with family, friends, students, subordinates, supervisors, co-workers and clients, as well as with your own internal dialogues.
Nonviolent Communication SkillsNVC offers practical, concrete skills for manifesting the purpose of creating connections of compassionate giving and receiving based in a consciousness of interdependence and power with others. These skills include:
- Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
- Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
- Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and
- Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).
With NVC we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what “is alive in us”. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, needed, and wanted, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
Founded on consciousness, language, communication skills, and use of power that enable us to remain human, even under trying conditions, Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new: all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.
NVC is a clear and effective model for communicating in a way that is cooperative conscious, and compassionate.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Published by PuddleDancer Press, available from CNVC
The Spiritual Basis of Nonviolent Communication English or Las Bases Espirituales de la Comunicación No Violenta
Source URL for Needs List: http://nvctraining.com/classroom/mod/resource/view.php?id=18
Autonomy Choosing Dreams, Goals, Values
- Choosing plans for fulfilling one?s dreams, goals, values
- Self empowerment
Celebration of Life
- Celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
- Celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams (mourning)
- Self respect
- Self worth
- Being heard / seen
- Closeness / Intimacy
- Community / Sharing
- Contribution to Life
- Emotional safety / freedom
- Equality / Fairness
- Friendship / Companionship
- Predictability / Consistency
- Stability / Reliability
- Movement, Exercise
- Physical affection
- Sexual Expression
- To understand
- Awareness / Being
Basic Human Feelings
When Our Needs are Fulfilled:
Basic Human Feelings
When Our Needs are Not Fulfilled: