Imagine men untwisting their pants long enough to not be so upset by what one man writes, and instead be MORE upset that fathers rape their daughters and het men do not organise around this issue.
WHM will find any discussion about fathers raping their daughters far more horrifying than the fact that daddies do it. They will be MORE offended by a couple of blog posts on the subject, than the fact that fathers won't do jack shit to stop other men from committing rape of girl children (and of women).
Here are the stats for the traffic to this blog over the last seven days. See which day's traffic is not like the others.
What this means is that I've hit a nerve. Or I ought to thank AnnArchist for posting this to reddit.com in their version of a "wtf?!" section. Or both. We'll see how the comments go.
If and when a nerve like this has been hit, you better believe it's not because one little blog post is so goddamned "offensive" or off the wall. I mean privileged white het men are all for free speech, right? The celebrate it. Right? I mean their "free speech" called pornography--pimped and raped women AND girls being coerced into saying what pimps want women and girls to say in front of a camera, including with their bodies non-verbally--is to be protected and made available to WHM 24/7, right? And THAT'S not offensive, is it? The rape and pimping of women and girls in pornography is NOT offensive, compared, to, oh, say, one white gay man's blog post about how commonly fathers rape their daughters. ONE. BLOG. POST. (Well, yes, now two.)
Let's just keep the attention focused on ONE or TWO questions, if you please:
WHY WON'T FATHERS ORGANISE TO STOP OTHER FATHERS FROM RAPING THEIR DAUGHTERS? WHY, INSTEAD, WILL THEY ORGANISE TO HAVE MORE PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ACCESS TO THEIR DAUGHTERS?
Now, let's have a reasonable, RESPONSIBLE, RESPONSIVE conversation about THAT, shall we? And let's put all the sidetracking and misplaced rage and offense and hurt aside, to deal with THAT issue. AND the issue that fathers and father-figures DO rape their daughters. Sometimes they pimp them out too.
My writing is not nearly as offensive or outrageous as THAT, is it? (Is it??)
Let me tell you what is likely to happen.
What is likely to happen is there is going to be a ruckus. Because white het men's entitlements and privileges include not having to challenge each other on matters of men's sexual violence against women and girls. So rather than focus directly and only on that, there is going to be a lot of diversionary tactics employed, with all manner of "well, women hurt kids too!" (Yes, and so fucking what? Does that mean we can't focus on this issue? Why can't we?) and "how dare you call all fathers rapists!!" (Um, I didn't.) One man already accused me of calling fathers child-raping animals. No, that's what rapists and other misogynistic men say about themselves, actually: that we can't help it. That our testicles and penises do our thinking for us. That we are sexually abusive because of testosterone, depression, being fired from work, alcohol abuse, an unloving spouse. That it's psychological evolution. It's sociobiology. It's wired into our brains, wherever those brains are located.
I don't say any of that, nor do any radical feminists I know. We believe in the humanity of men. It's men who won't challenge each other to be more humane. And I believe men will find any reason at all to deflect from this subject: why do fathers work for one another's rights, but NOT AT ALL for one another's responsibilities not to be rapists of their girls?
The het men will get to whining, BIG TIME, about how offended they are, and how much such conversation victimises them. To het men: women I know are offended and victimised that so goddamned many of you rape women and girls or speak about it in a joke, or hurl misogynist terms at women and leer with sexual interest at girls half or one third your age. Yes, het men will be offended, greatly, by one man calling on them to be as responsible with their power as they are defensive of it. And the most privileged of those het men, the economically more stable white ones, will lead the charges of offensiveness and victimisation. Just wait, watch, and see. And I'd love to be wrong about this, by the way.
To all dads of girls: in case you weren't aware of it, it is likely to be males in your daughter's family who sexually assault her, if you're not already doing so, or even if you are. So let's stay with THAT offense long enough to address THE QUESTIONS in bold above.
And if white het men write to me about other matters, I'll surely take that as a sign that you've got something to hide and protect and keep secret. Because, otherwise, why would it bother you so much? Surely you know, from the experience of your own childhood, that men tend to be more horrendously and sexually abusive than do women. Remember your childhood? Surely SOME of you have sisters who were raped by your fathers. Surely some of you watched your moms being bashed by your father's fists.
But we're supposed to respect fathers as GODS, right? "God The Father" and all that CRAP. Well, I say it'd be better for us to consider children as sacred, and to consider it to be men's responsibilities to hold one another accountable for the crimes against children we commit. Disproportionately FEMALE children, in OUR OWN families.
This is a very uncomfortable topic.As a father of four children one of them my daughter the idea of rape just turns my stomach.And maybe for men like my self the idea that fathers rape their daughters is so incomprehensible that your first instinct is denial that such a thing could and is happening.That said over the last 48 years of my life I have heard of incest and rape going on within the community that I grew up in.Sometimes it was brother and sister.Other times it was within the church.One rape was a three year old girl who also contracted an S.T.D. from the incident.That is how the police got involved.The police could not prove who was responsible but in this case it was not the father but an uncle from that fathers immediate family.Sometimes mothers are aware that these things are going on but are in denial as well.I was molested (6 years old)by some teenage boys when I was growing up.I often wondered if they grew up to be pedophiles and often imagine what I would say to them if I ran into them today.In regards to my mother she never sexually abused me but she did beat me severely on a regular basis.I was bruised and my flesh was ripped and I remember my clothes sticking to the blood on my body all the time.I had a hard time sitting properly in school and focusing because of the welts on my but and on my legs.A note would go home and I would get beat some more.I still to this day have scars on my body.It wasn't until I went into therapy that I realized that this was abuse.I had accepted that it was just normal.What I learned was that abuse is taught from generation to generation.My grandmother was 16 and was forced to marry a man who was 33.Both family's were well respected in their community's but it was a "shot gun wedding".They left town after the wedding and my mother was born in another place.The birth certificate was changed to look like she was born within wed lock.My mother has no idea what day her real birthday is.My grandfather was a drunk and raped and beat my grandma on a regular basis.She in turn beat my mom who turn beat me.I always cringe when people tell me that they want to return to the time of "traditional family values".If their is any good that came out of this it is that the cycle of violence ended with me.Truthfully I never knew what love was until I had children of my own because I never experienced love growing up....
ReplyDeleteThis isn't really related to the particular blog posting, but I just found your blog and wanted to get in touch.
ReplyDeleteFirst, i'll identify as a relatively young, white, mostly hetero, cornfed midwest guy.
Second, i'll say thanks for running this blog. I will have to admit to being slightly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information and commentary and, frankly, righteous fury that i've just realized i'll have to search back through.
Third, i'll say that i've been doing anti-sexist men's organizing for almost ten years now. It's been hard, and i've certainly tried to learn from my mistakes, but i'm more committed than i've ever been. Years ago, I started out founding a Men Against Sexism organization (not affiliated with NOMAS) at my undergrad school. At my grad school, i worked with the university health service to give rape prevention trainings. I've also worked within my social subculture of DIY punk/activist circles to organize two Different Kind of Dude Fests, founded the Philly Dudes Collective (dedicated to critically analyzing masculinities and patriarchy), and worked peripherally with Philly's Pissed/Philly Stands Up (small collectives dedicated to radical community-based responses to sexual assault). I mention all this not to brag (and in fact i'll feel awkward if you post that last sentence online), but just to let you know that i am very serious about gender justice and that i've been thinking critically about this stuff for awhile. And, fortunately, the more i do, the more i realize i've got lots of work ahead, both in my head and in the world. And also to mention to you, that there ARE men organizing for gender justice, and striving to do it critically and with accountability.
Really i'm just trying to reach out and open some communication. Take care, and i'm looking forward to some conversation (although i'll warn you now that i probably spend considerably less time online than you).
Hi Mike,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment on this post. It was sad and hard to read.
I'm so sorry for all you endured when a child, and for the emotional and physical scarring. I am grateful you know love with your children, finally, and that the transgenerational abuse has ended with you within your family.
I truly wish more dads had this response--to really reflect on one's own family history, or present, and how violence against women has shaped and ruptured it, and how violence against boys is part of that misogynist violence, not separate from it. Clearly, if your mother were not beaten, she would not have learned how to be so effective in doing that kind of atrocious harm. I can relate to being in denial about what constitutes harm and abuse.
And I would like to know what you would say to those who sexually abused you if you had the opportunity.
In speaking with someone, she remarked just as you did: that it is likely the first response to a post such as this would be for fathers to find this topic incomprehensible, or horrifying, or something else--perhaps more disturbing--that necessitates being in denial.
I find all forms of violence against women deplorable, and also have to say that when I hear about infants and young children, especially those who cannot yet speak out, being sexually assaulted, it makes me physically ill and feel a kind of internal outrage that is hard to describe. A rage against humanity, or, rather, at inhumanity. The level of selfishness and sadism required to harm a small child... this is one form of pure evil, in my mind.
And not one that anyone is apart from, in my view. We all collectively participate in evil, in the sense that the societies most of us live in require it and can't survive at all without it.
I know that girls and women being trafficked is part of the society I live in, and that the values and practices of my countrymen make that phenomenon possible.
I hope you and your children have some sense of peace. You deserve it.
Welcome aboynamedstew,
ReplyDeleteMake yourself at home. I like your screenname a lot.
So I'll call you Stew, unless you wish for me not to.
I can't really edit comments without making them "mine" so I published your whole comment, but also want to say that I'm happy to include the part you thought might not be necessary to appear. I'm glad that men in various cultural circles are doing the work you are doing.
I think it is important for men and women to know what work against sexism men are involved in and engaged by. And I'd like to see your DIY work, so if you and I email, please include some photos of it. Good for you for making that anti-capitalist choice.
I, for one, tend to feel rather isolated most of the time. I have one male friend who shares many of my perspectives and values, such as Chris O., but community has yet to materialise for anyone I know who does this work. Including for any woman I know doing their own work of resisting and challenging white het male supremacy and its many ugly manifestations/man-infestations.
You are welcome to communicate with me here, in blog comments, or you may also, if you wish to, send a comment marked "Not For Publication" (or something to that effect) with your email address, and I will reply by email.
Thank you for founding that group for Men Against Sexism on your undergrad campus and for doing the rape prevention work in grad school.
I am ESPECIALLY interested in the work you do with Philly's Pissed/Philly Stands Up, but also would like to know more about the Fests and the Collective you founded.
I'm happy to open up lines of communication, Stew, and am so glad you value accountability in the work you do. For me, it is the central component of men doing profeminist work--full accountability to women who do this work, and to the women in one's life. Please do contact me as noted above if you'd like to.
Absolute power corrupts absolute.
ReplyDeleteFathers have far too much power while girls (and even young boys) have virtually no power in the father child relationship. White hetro fathers have even more power still.
With all this power fathers believe they can do what ever they like to their daughters as their daughters are their property.
The fathers’ rights movement is about trying to ensure that fathers maintain this power and in some cases get even more control of their children.
The young girls are unable to defend themselves because they have such limited power and fear such a powerful father.
Legislation needs to change so that this power is taken away from the father and transferred to the daughter to ensure that she is able to defend herself against any form of abuse.
Thank you for writing this blog. I am so saturated with sexism and surrounded by men who have no clue what's going on or are actively participating in exploiting women. I have always tried my best with my brothers, buy my heart is finished, on the collective scale, because I realized a long time ago, that most MEN DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTERS AT ALL. This is my personal experience. I don't mean to slam the ones who do, but far too many don't and their system rules. I cannot change it and when I try,I am isolated and victimized further (and a lot of times women fight to keep the abuse in place.)
ReplyDeleteMy last sexual encounter with a man left me with an STD because where I live (on planet earth) the more women a man fucks, the more of a man he is; this leaves most men riddled with STD's (and most men don't like condoms and don't help--unless you tell them you're riddled with STD's, then they'll wear one.)
So, the most enlightened of the men I know cannot be trusted help me keep my health. I've spent thousands of dollars cleaning up after men's 'fun' in my body.
I'm certain I was sexually molested by my father and I was also molested by my Sister's boyfriends. When I was 9, a retired FBI agent paid me to come clean his apt. and tried to take porn pictures of me. I told my mother about this, but nothing happened. I imagine a lot of law enforcement might be into it for the access to the porn.
that's what I learned growing up.
You're only good if you can bring the male ego to orgasm. That's what this existence is about.
I pray everyday to be released to a better place, a place with three sexes, or four--or millions. billions of individuals, free of the tyranny of this violent, brutal, bloodsoaked world. That is what my forefathers left me.
But it's all the abandoned children and elderly and disabled--I worked for six months for a Christian millionaire, caring for his dying wife. He was a man well respected in his community, in his church: I worked for him for six months for fifty dollars a day, feeding and changing his wife, waking up in the night to soothe her (he told me to drug her) always being there for this woman. He did not give me one day off in six months; he could not change her diaper (he could play golf, lift weights, swim) but he could not give me one day off and care for his dying wife and when he started walking into my room without knocking and later showed me where it said in the bible a wife serves her husband and a slave serves the master,
I left. But there is no where I can go and not walk into this reality every second of every day.
This world created by men abandons its children and elderly and handicapped. It's a fact.
Dear Diana,
ReplyDeleteYour story is horrifyingly normal. And so painful to read. While nothing you wrote surprises me at all, I am so very sorry you have had to endure such inhumanity at the hands of men. It is disgusting what men have done to you, and to women generally.
I support you giving up on men. Completely. That more women don't give up on men more often is something that needs understanding.
The answer, to me, is that women are not really allowed to give up on men. Not without being interpersonally punished and socially stigmatised.
Only with your expressed permission I'd like to post your comment as a separate post here about men's abuses of women and men's stupidity about not understanding why women give up.
Thank you for sharing what you did. And I hope you have plenty of support from women, and if not, I know of a few women who might be excellent support people to correspond with, who have also totally given up on men collectively and usually individually demonstrating a kind of humanity that resembles being humane.
I am wishing you well, Diana. Please take excellent care of yourself.
It is absolutely horrific how so many hetro men regard women and girls as nothing but sex objects. These men often treat their cars better then they treat women and girls.
ReplyDeleteIt is also so sad that women feel that they have to continuously please men by allowing men to treat them like dirt.
I have met many women who have so much potential to achieve greatness, but are prevented from doing so by men. Men seem to be so good at making women feel so worthless.
I have heard about many women who believe they are lower than dirt because that is the way they have been mad to feel by fathers, boyfriends, husbands etc.
Women need to stop trying to please men and start doing what is best for them and their families. If this means turning our backs on men I don't see how this can be a bad thing.
Absolutely!
ReplyDeleteI totally support women not putting energy into men, men's well-being, bolstering men's self-esteem, supporting men emotionally and financially, etc.
I agree that if women put themselves first, and weren't harassed and abused or killed for doing so, this would be a very different world.
What Father's Rights and Men's Rights guys refuse to acknowledge is precisely how dependent they are on women--hence their resentments, and how little women need men.
Thank you for this blog. Thank you for putting accountablity on men.
ReplyDeleteI wonder, all the time, why men aren't doing more to DO something about sexism; protect children and women.
In my experience, most men won't say anything about this issue, because they're either unconcerned, or because they benefit from sexism - personally, socially, ecomomically, etc.
You couldn't have said it better when you said:
"I agree that if women put themselves first, and weren't harassed and abused or killed for doing so, this would be a very different world."
Welcome MS82,
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally agree with this, that YOU said:
In my experience, most men won't say anything about this issue, because they're either unconcerned, or because they benefit from sexism - personally, socially, ecomomically, etc.
THANK YOU.